


Bratislava

by rachelvanbora



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 03:44:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3795442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachelvanbora/pseuds/rachelvanbora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Episode-style fic. Essentially prequel to Johannesburg.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bratislava

CABIN PRESSURE

This week: Bratislava!

 

( _In the flight deck_ )

Douglas:         How about: “words that can be transcribed to music“?

Martin:           Complicated, obscure and clearly designed to give you an advantage.

Douglas:         Nonsense. There are seven basic notes: c, d, e, f, g, a, b. You can easily combine them into words. It’s fast, simple and, since I do not need any advantage, I won’t ask you to sing them.

Martin:           Have it your way. But this time, it’s me who starts.

Douglas:         Go ahead.

Martin:           Bad.

Douglas:         Dab.

Martin:           Bag.

Douglas:         Gab.

Martin:           Fed.

Douglas:         Def.

Martin:           Stop copying me!

Douglas:         Backwards.

Martin:           ( _imitating Carolyn_ ) I’m sorry, I thought “backwards“ was implied.

Carolyn:         ( _enters the flight deck_ ) Drivers, you may now compliment me.

Martin:           We may, but do we dare to?

Carolyn:         We’ve landed another job! Tomorrow at noon, prepare to fly three prominent UN scientists to the imperial city of Vienna. Plus a bunch of crates, but I don’t think you’d get excited about those.

Douglas:         Au contraire, crates have a lot of potential.

Martin:           That’s wonderful, Carolyn. Does it mean that things are looking up and we’ll be able to afford landing in decent airports again?

Carolyn:         Exactly. Tomorrow you’ll get to know another one of those, Vienna East.

Douglas:         Vienna East. Carolyn, if you mean Debrecen again...

Carolyn:         Bratislava. It’s only 40 km from Schwechat and much cheaper. I’ve booked a keenly priced cab straight from the Bratislava airport to the Viennese Hilton; they won’t even notice they’ve crossed a border on the way. After all, it’s all in the EU now.

Martin:           I can’t believe we’re flying for the UN.

Carolyn:         Thank your lucky stars and their latest economy drive.

Arthur:            ( _enters the flight deck_ ) Can I wear my blue helmet, mum?

 

 

The following day

( _In the flight deck)_

Douglas:         So, Martin, I believe it’s your turn again.

Martin:           Did you know the UN had so many agencies?

Douglas:         Like IAEA, UNODC and UNOOSA? I must say the last one rings a particularly faint bell.

Martin:           Ha! Cad.

Douglas:         Cab.

Martin:           A new copying technique? Fab.

Douglas:         Fad.

Martin:           Douglas, are you sure you didn’t plan to play this game with Arthur?

Douglas:         Your turn.

Martin:           OK, well...bed.

Douglas:         Deb.

Martin:           Right. Uhm, cef? Caf? Fec?....I think we’re done. It appears you’ve reached a carefully orchestrated draw. Congratulations.

Douglas:         Hmmm. What about “bedflat“?

Martin:           “Bedflat“?!?

Douglas:         “Flat“ and “sharp“ are universally recognised parts of musical notation. You can add them to any note.

Martin:           There is no “bedflat“.

Douglas:         You’re sure it doesn’t describe your attic?

Martin:           That’s lexicologically irrelevant.

Douglas:         A flatbed, then. What were the stakes again?

Martin:           There were no stakes.

Douglas:         Ah yes, we simply played for glory.

Martin:           One of these days I will get you to play a game based on _aviation_ theory.

Douglas:         I’m sure you’ll try.

 

 

( _In the cabin_ )

Carolyn:                     ...and, as always, if there’s anything else I can do to make your flight more pleasant, please don’t hesitate to call me.

UNOOSA Expert:      The aircraft seemed a little sluggish at the take-off. Have you considered advanced material upgrades?

UNODC Expert:         The panelling is a bit loose here, here and here. Do you do much trafficking?

Carolyn:                     Sir, I can assure you-

UNODC Expert:         Just kidding. Thanks for the security announcement, by the way. I don’t think I ever heard the word “toast“ in quite that context.

Carolyn:                     Well, I thought it was hardly worth to sugar-coat basic physics, when flying three such eminent scientists.

UNOOSA Expert:      We’re scientists. He’s an expert.

Carolyn:                     What’s the difference?

UNODC Expert:         I fight crime. They wish they were me.

 

( _In the flight deck_ )

Arthur:            No, I got it. UNOOSA is the crime fighting agency, because it has a noose in it.

Martin:           ( _exasperated, under his breath_ ) United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs.

Arthur:            ( _rapidly, without listening_ ) UNODC is... it is... it has DC in it! DC is “direct current“, I remember that Skip! Current...electricity...this must be the UN agency for power plants!

Martin:           It’s the United Nations Office for Drugs and Crime.

Arthur:            Which means IAEA is like NASA. Which makes total sense, because they almost rhyme.

Martin:           No, it doesn’t. IAEA stands for International Atomic Energy Agency.

Douglas:         I really don’t think you need to remember all this to serve them drinks Arthur.

Carolyn:         All you need to remember is that the unbearably smug one is the crime guy, the one who’s criticising GERTI is the space guy, and thankfully, the last one doesn’t talk that much.

 

 

_(In the flight deck)_

Douglas:         Back so soon?

Arthur:            One chair, two chairs, one jumpseat...

Martin:           What’s up with the legal pad, Arthur?

Arthur:            I’m on a mission, Skip.

Martin:           What kind of mission?

Arthur:            A stock-taking mission.

Douglas:         You’re counting chairs.

Arthur:            And everything else we could replace by pencils. Well, the stuff pencils are made from, really.

Douglas:         Graphite? When I told Carolyn she should consider engine replacement I didn´t realize she’d go for a nuclear reactor.

Martin:           Have you been talking to the gentleman from the International Atomic Energy Agency, Arthur?

Arthur:            Oh, Skip, I see you are all mixed up. I talked to the gentleman from the Space Office. It turns out that you can make all sorts of planes with pencils.

Douglas:         Yes, you can. It’s called drawing.

Arthur:            Not like that. The stuff pencils are made from is super light. And it has ( _checks his legal pad_ ) a high tonsil strength.

Martin:           Tensile strength? You’re talking about carbon fiber?

Arthur:            Yes! Imagine we’d have a carbon fibre GERTI. Then she wouldn’t be sluggish at all.

Martin:           GERTI isn’t sluggish.

Douglas:         Depends on who’s driving.

Arthur:            The gentleman from Space Office said he’d swear she was either made from lead or gold. Wouldn’t it be cool if she was made out of lead?

Douglas:         Would it?

Arthur:            We’d be like Indiana Jones in the fridge!

Douglas:         Cramped?

Arthur:            Indestructible.

Martin:           That is actually not correct, Arthur. Even if the lead lining protected Dr. Jones against irradiation, which it wouldn’t, and even if he survived the fridge flight landing, which he couldn’t, other effects of the atomic blast would have certainly killed him.

Arthur:            Other effects?

Martin:           Lethal acceleration.

Douglas:         Shockwave crush.

Martin:           Scorching by incendiary air.

Douglas:         Molten lead body peeling.

Martin:           Suffocation by negative air influx.

Douglas:         Fridge-turned-into-oven roasting.

Martin:           Reverse blast wind.

Arthur:            Poor Indy!

Martin:           Douglas? Last call for first officer Richardson.

Douglas:         What?

Martin:           No more atomic blast effects? Excellent. A well-deserved 4 to 3 win for me.

Douglas:         Goodness, I created a game monster.

 

 

( _Bratislava_ _airport: cab desk_ )

Cab driver:     Zlatko prelož jej to, akosi sa moc nafukuje.

Tina:               Hallo everyone, the cab driver asked me to translate. It’s 5th of July today. Public holiday. There’s a 150 percent surcharge.

Douglas:         Charming. What are you celebrating? The day after America gained independence?

Tina:               St. Cyril and Methodius.

Carolyn:         What on earth are those?

Tina:               Learned monks. Constantine translated the Bible into the Old Slavonic language long before it was translated into German. Or English.

Carolyn:         How lovely. Now, where can I get a cheap and reliable cab to Vienna?

Tina:               I always take a train to Vienna. Bus is even cheaper. Would you like to hear the poem Constantine wrote as a Foreword to his translation?

Carolyn:         Most certainly not.

Arthur:            ( _overlapping_ ) Yes, please.

Tina:               ( _enthusiastically_ ) “Naked are nations without books... “

Carolyn:         Douglas, do you know where we could get a cheap and reliable cab to Vienna?

Douglas:         That depends. Do you know how to get me a day off on Em´s birthday?

Carolyn:         I might.

Douglas:         In that case, I might start thinking about it.

Tina:               ( _continues in the background_ ) ... “When the body is ill-nourished

likewise withers every soul“....

Carolyn:         Oh, will you stop that drivel, please? My good pilot’s thinking.

Martin:           Thank you for recognising that.

Carolyn:         Actually, you’re the safe pilot.

Martin:           Did you just pay me a compliment?

 

 

_(Bratislava airport café)_

Carolyn:         Douglas, do you really need two coffees to think this through?

Douglas:         Relax, oh mighty slave-driver. Your clients seem to be quite happy sampling the local delicacies.

Carolyn:         Anymore happier and they’ll be unconscious.

Douglas:         After two beers?

Carolyn:         I doubt beer is usually served in vats wherever they come from.

Tina:               That’s the usual size in Slovakia and in the Czech Republic. Can I get you anything else?

Carolyn:         Definitely not.

Martin:           How about we just go out and try to rustle up another cab?

Douglas:         Good. I’ve always wanted to watch you haggle in Old Slavonic.

Martin:           We can ask that nice waitress to interpret for us.

Douglas:         You and Carolyn should toss a coin for it. The entertainment potential is sky high in either case.

Arthur:            Would you help us Miss-

Tina:               Tina. How?

Arthur:            We need to transport these three super clever UN scientists to Vienna for very little money very quickly, or mum will think she needs to cancel catering again and actually, I don’t really mind, I love to cook, did you know I invented the “Surprising Rice“?

Douglas:         And suddenly, it’s a question of life and death.

Martin:           Would you interpret for us once again?

Tina:               Captain Richardson?

Douglas:        Don’t worry Tina, it’s all as we’ve planned. Get ready, your cab will be there in five.

Carolyn:         What?

Douglas:         We’re taking Tina to the Slovak National Theatre.

Carolyn:         Are we? Just how many wingpeople do you need these days, Douglas?

Douglas:         Tina is going to a master class with a world famous bassoonist, well, what’s left of it. Poor thing, she couldn’t leave before the end of her shift. Hence the two coffees.

Carolyn:         Douglas-

Douglas:         The world-famous bassoonist is no other than-

Arthur:            Madame Szysko-Basoon!

Douglas:         Precisely. The good news is that she now lives in Vienna and plays with the Wiener Philharmoniker, who have graciously provided her with a very nice and a rather empty cab, so that she´ll be in top form for tommorrow´s concert at the Musikverein.

Martin:           How do you know all this?

Douglas:         I chatted up Tina on my way from the loo.

Martin:           That’s what I suggested we do!

Douglas:         One coffee too late, but a very promising sign nonetheless.

Carolyn:         So that’s what it was about. I thought you were-

Douglas:         -a married cradle-snatcher?

Carolyn:         Trying hard to appear like one.

 

 

( _Outside Bratislava airport/arrivals terminal_ )

IAEA expert:  Ms. Knap-Shappey, you need to call the police.

Carolyn:         My dear sir, the cab really isn’t that dirty. Besides, as I’ve explained, it is only a short dash to the centre, where a comfortable limousine awaits your orders.

IAEA expert: My mission’s been compromised. They will need to seal the airport.

Carolyn:         Ah.

IAEA expert:  You may as well consider yourself under arrest.

Carolyn:         Is there a concise way of explaining this sudden madness of yours?

IAEA expert: I am missing certain highly confidential documents. I’ve had them on my person all the time. They’re gone.

Arthur:            Do I have to cuff myself?

Martin:           What?

Arthur:            I have these brilliant handcuffs. Mattel crime-fighters 1994 de Luxe edition.

Carolyn:         What did they look like?

Arthur:            Black plastic. With red rhinestones.

Carolyn:         The documents! Were they typed, handwritten, printed? Paper, plastic, USB? What size? Colour? When did you see them last time?

Arthur:            Mum’s just like Mrs. Marple.

IAEA expert:  That’s confidential. Excuse me, I need to activate the emergency code now.

Martin:           Wait! Wait. I mean, I am the Captain. And commander of this...mission. So, I can tell you on greatest authority that ...that if anyone’s going to activate any emergency codes, it’s got to be me.

IAEA expert: You’re among the suspects!

Arthur:            Can I handcuff him?

Douglas:         Excuse me. The documents you’re looking for, is it by any chance a single hand-scribbled sheet of yellow legal paper?

IAEA expert:  Who wants to know?

Douglas:         First Officer Douglas Richardson. It seems this carelessly misplaced document was discovered by our most attentive and planet-conscious flight attendant who re-used it for the company’s stock-taking exercise. I hope you will respect the confidentiality of information thus gathered?

IAEA expert:  Well...I guess so.

Douglas:         Splendid. Arthur?

Arthur:            ( _handing over a sheet from his legal pad_ ) It’s top secret.

Douglas:         Now, with that settled, can we get a move on? Or, if you wish, we can get Arthur to hoover that cab for you first.

IAEA expert:  No, ah, that won’t be necessary.

Carolyn:         ( _aside, to Douglas_ ) I told you two beers were too much.

Douglas:         You’re welcome.

 

( _Outside the Slovak National Theatre_ )

Carolyn:                     My dear Mme Szyszko-Bohusz. Congratulations to your new position.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       What are you doing here?

Carolyn:                     Well, it so happens I have three renowned security specialists at my disposal. And since I have heard about your plight-

Szyszko-Bohusz:       I’ve written letters everywhere and to everyone. From Soros to Solana. Even to the UN.

Carolyn:                     And they’ve responded. By sending three of their top experts.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       Finally.

Carolyn:                     You’ll have the very safest journey from Bratislava to Vienna. Please recommend MJN to your friends and colleagues.

Martin:                       Arthur, I think your mum got a bit carried away here.

Arthur:                        Brilliant.

Douglas:                     Nothing boosts your company profile like a ringing endorsement from a lunatic.

Arthur:                       I know! Though mum usually says “from poor sods who think they’re satisfied clients“.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       Old woman, I cannot thank you enough. But who’s that?

Jurgen:                       I’m your driver Frau Szyskabohm. Herr Director said to pick you up at 6.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       ( _slowly_ ) I think that accent is a fake...

UNODC expert:         Madam, I have spent several years in Vienna and I can tell you –

Szyszko-Bohusz:       -and so is the beard.

Carolyn:                     He has no beard. And I’m not an -

Szyszko-Bohusz:       -He must have shaved it off for a reason!

Carolyn:                     To strike terror in your heart?

Szyszko-Bohusz:       You do understand.

Carolyn:                     You have trusted me before. Trust me now. Everything will be OK.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       That’s what you’ve said the last time.

Carolyn                       And I have kept my word.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       What about Snow-White?

Carolyn:                     Well, if she was alive today, she’d probably be doing apple commercials. What an interesting hypothetical.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       Last time, just as we were landing, your pilot announced the names of dwarves from Snow-White over cabin address. Why?

Douglas:                     Articulation exercise. Vital for proper communication with the ATC. I’m sure you’d noticed the speed.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       Yes. And the breathing technique. Most impressive. Is your pilot a bassoonist, perhaps?

Dougals:                     Captain Crieff? Alas, music really isn’t his forte. If it wasn’t for me, he’d never even know half-tones existed.

Martin:                       That’s absolutely not the ca-

Carolyn:                     ( _opens the cab door_ ) Here you go Madam. The gentleman on your right can tell you all about crimes and how to thwart them. The gentleman on your left knows all the secrets of the universe.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       And the one in front?

Carolyn:                     Meet Mr. Human Shield.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       Well, they could have picked someone larger.

Carolyn:                     Oh, I agree, he really is a handful.

IAEA expert:              Madam, I ´m so -

Carolyn:                     ( _quickly_ , _cutting him off_ ) Silence is golden. You’ll thank me later.

Szyszko-Bohusz:       Yes, when we get to Vienna safely.

Carolyn:                     No, no, we from MJN are not going-

Szyszko-Bohusz:       But surely you are.

Carolyn:                     The car is full. The night is falling. Go!

Szyszko-Bohusz:       ( _to Jurgen_ ) You stay here. ( _to Carolyn_ ) And you, old woman, you drive.

 

( _sound of car parting_ )

Douglas:         To get there one hour, to get back by bus at least two. An entire Carolyn-free evening. What an unexpected delight. Nun Jurgen, zeigst Du uns die beste Kneipe in Bratislava?

Martin:           No smuggling on my plane, Douglas!

Douglas:         You mistrust wounds me, Captain. I was merely planning our pub-crawl.

Arthur:            Brilliant! Can I have a pineapple juice?

                       

 

EPILOGUE

 

( _In the_ _Portacabin_ )

Douglas:         Thank you for that kind invitation, Carolyn. I’m sure Paris is lovely this time of the year, but as you well know, it’s Emily’s birthday tomorrow. I have to decline.

Carolyn:         Oh, don’t make such a fuss.

Douglas:         Carolyn, we had a deal.

Carolyn:         I said you’d get a day off on her birthday, I didn’t promise it would be this birthday.

Douglas:         Right. ( _Exit Douglas_ )

 

( _Outside the Portacabin_ )

Martin:           Carolyn says unless I annihilate you at some stupid word game right now, you’ll spend the rest of the week brooding.

Douglas:         Oh, I don’t know. Last time I managed to impress a girl by brooding, I was seventeen. As a technique, it’s a tad overrated.

Martin:           So what are you going to do?

Douglas:         Well, as you keep reminding me, apparently there’s a world-famous fictional captain who said that if a game didn’t go your way, all you needed to do was to change the rules.

Martin:           That’s not what I said at all! I said James T. Kirk was the worst of all fictional captains and you outdo him every time you take the con.

Douglas:         No rule changing then?

Martin:           No!

Douglas:         Bending?

Martin:           Forget it.

Douglas:         ( _sigh_ ) This is strictly off the record, but...you might be right.

Martin:           I might be r-?

Douglas:         That Jim Kirk of yours was ridiculous. Jim Lovell, on the other hand-

Martin:           Absolutely!

Douglas:         I must say the way they managed to connect those filters to save themselves from asphyxiation-

Martin:           Canisters, they connected cube-shaped LiOH canisters to cylindrical sockets.

Duglas:           -using only material they had on board-

Martin:           -imagine, a suit return hose!

Douglas:         I see you studied the mission.

Martin:           Apollo 13? That’s a classic.

Douglas:         It almost makes you believe anything is possible. With the right kind of commander, of course.

Martin:           Yes! Although we’re not actually flying to the moon and back.

Douglas:         No. The route is Fitton – Barrow-in-Furness – Paris – Fitton.

Martin:           Douglas what exactly -?

Douglas:         No need to worry Martin. I have a plan.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to my betas, a-window-to-the-east (http://a-window-to-the-east.tumblr.com/), J, and Captain (of my heart) for suggestions and corrections. All remaining mistakes are, of course, all mine.  
> Much obliged also to Shechner and his brilliant analysis of Indy´s frigde flight (http://www.overthinkingit.com/2012/02/22/fridge-nuking-scientific-peer-review/).


End file.
